Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Aduh Sayang




Oh sayang sayang aduh sayang
Ditelan pahit dibuang sayang
Pabila sudah mabuk kepayang
Hatiku rasa bimbang


Oh risau risau aduh risau
Semakin lama semakin kacau
Jiwaku bimbang tiada tenang
Aduh sayang


Bila siang terbayang-bayang
Di malam hari termimpi-mimpi
Ingin sunting gadis Pak Abas
Tapi sayang sayang dia sudah kebas


Oh sayang sayang aduh sayang
Jikalau sudah gila bayang
Makin nak lupa makin mendatang
Aduh sayang


Sayang sayang
Aduh sayang

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Give Love a (Second) Chance

Today is the tenth day for me working at Central Market. Haven't been blogging since, although I go to the cybercafe almost every night. OK la jugakk... (sedapkan hati). The people are very nice and friendly. Tapi yg malas tu ada jugak munyit2 mo mengurat. Kalau hensem tiapa. Hehe macam la cantik bah. :P My new colleagues are Auntie Joanne, she's 63 years old, and Estrella. But Auntie Joanne doesn't look 63. She doesn't even have one single grey hair. Well, actually I saw one today. Haha. Most of the time I'll be at Coco Shop with Auntie Joanne, while Estrella takes care of Log Art Gallery. I'll only go to the gallery to replace Estrella when she goes to the loo or when she's on her day off. Working here actually teaches me to be grateful for what I have. Yeah... I know... I had been ungrateful before. But... There's nothing wrong with wanting something better, something more kan? Yup. Ndak salah. But yg sudah salah tu ialah my planning. Haha. Biarlah. Apa yg jadi suda jadi kan. Manada button rewind dalam life. It just goes on. It never waits. Humph... Today I went to another interview for Higher Education Editor position at Oxford Fajar. Jauh lagi tu di Shah Alam. Teda bas langsung masuk. Kena naik cab pegi balik RM12. Humph... Rasa macam ndak dapat oh... Sebab they're looking for someone who's familiar with business management/accountancy books. Urgh. Ndak pa la... At least I tried... *sighs*

Hmmmm........... There's something really important that I need to write here. So that I'll never forget. On 24th of March 2011, at exactly 12am, AA texted me using his brother's phone number saying "I have no control, i love u-ian curtis". O, M, G. Punyala aku men hepiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! I am sooooo thankful to God, because he's giving in to his feelings for me finally. Woohoo! Hepi sampai kuar air mata jooo... Mimang tekejut la kan ndak sangka2. I wonder if it had anything to do with me deactivating my FB account. Saja jak bah aku deactivate... Sebab malas aku. Aku mo avoid post benda yg bukan2 lagi. Nanti ntah apa2 lagi aku cakap. Yg ndak besnya, orang slalunya ndak faham what I really mean... Walaupun most of the time aku straightforward. Um... Tu la aku deactivate tu. Malas. Biarla dulu. Yeah... I am falling in love with him... At first... Berat mulut and hati aku mo cakap tu perkataan lagi. Sebab... Natau la. Mo cakap takut bukan, tapi macam namau bah. Refused. Ya refused is the right word. I refused to say that I love him at first. But last2, I gave in. Because... It's obvious man. I am falling for him! Asyik ingat diaaaaaa jak. Mana2 aku pusing pun nampak dia, fikir dia. Budu tul oh... Nasib jugak kerja di CM ni helps take my mind off him. But just for a while la. But that's enough. At least ndakla aku nangis2 jak saturang di bilik cam orang gilak. I'm not sure if he feels the same way. Since what happened, aku cam anu ni... Fobia sikit... Afraid of rejection! Suda pun actually admit sama dia but... Dia cam namau jak mula2 tu. So aku diam jak la... Tu la ndak sangka2, tu hari dia msg gitu... Thank you God for bringing him back to me. Take it slow la from here... Namau rush2... Takut. Um. Well... There is one more thing that I need to write about actually. But... Nanti la dulu... Keep it first. Um. BTW, discovered a new song just now! Pretty cool! \m/(^__^)\m/

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

HIRED!

I'm employed I'm employed I'm employed!!! Syukur alhamdulillah... Allah yg bagi rezeki ni... Aku syukur sangat2 sebab orang tu suruh start bisuk... Kalau ndak mesti aku nangis2 lagi... Terima kasih Allah... Walaupun gaji 1k jak tapi it's better than nothing. Yang penting halal dan IMMEDIATE! Pi tempat lain smua mo tunggu kena call. I cannot wait any longer as it's the middle of March already... Call i-Yuno lagi tadi, but they said they haven't gone through the test that I did yet... and they said they will get back to me later today, but it's 5.27pm now so I won't get my hopes up anymore. Cukup la apa ngan apa yg terjadi with Pearson tu. Punyala aku hepi dapat tu job, tiba2 dorang cut me off last minute! They should be ashamed of what they did. Kunun2 company besar tapi langsung ndak professional. Nasib baik belum sign appointment letter. Kalau ndak, mau aku sue dorang tu! Huh...

Bah suda2 la tu. Yg penting suda dapat job kan? Walaupun bukan apa yg aku mau sebenarnya, but it's what I really need right now. So... Starting tomorrow I'll be working at an art shop called Log Art Gallery, which is located at Central Market. I felt so lucky to at last find a job dalam keadaan yg sangat genting dan desperate skarang nie. I was giving up hope ba suda tu tadi sebenarnya. I never felt so lost before. Even worse than what happened between me and Nasik. Aku mundar-mandir pi sana pi sini. I started the job hunt at Kota Raya. Banyak vacancies but I dunno... Bukan la ba mo memilih lagi kan, tapi... hmm.... Sebenarnya interested in the sales assistant job di satu record store ni, which also sells band t-shirts and stuff. Apparently the staff are all Sabahans as the owner pun from Sabah jugak. Haha. But too bad the job was already taken. Pastue aku round2 Kota Raya, cari2 vacancies. Memang banyak, but smua macam... ntah la... Senang cakap I wasn't interested la kan. Then I went to Central Market. Pun banyak jugak. But aku pi try satu jak at first. Dorang mintak details bla bla bla then said they will call me. Urgh... Pastue mula la panik suda. Mundar mandir nie. Pastue aku pi tanya satu kedai ni that is called Unique Art n Gift. I called the owner but lepas tu aku rasa cam ndak ngam pulak tu job ngan aku. Dazed and confused, aku naik LRT pi Masjid Jamek then naik Star pi Bandaraya, heading to Sogo. Pastue pi solat Zohor then ntah apa aku buat sana. Kunun mo pi Pertama Complex to look for a job there, but last2 ndak jadi ni sebab bila pikir2 bikin apa aku kerja sana? Tambang pegi balik RM6.40. Bagus aku kerja di Bukit Bintang jak. Sama jak tambang. Kalau satu bulan suda brapa. Gilak ka. Bagus ndak payah kerja kalau gitu. Then aku returned to Pasar Seni pastue aku call i-Yuno. Pastue aku pi beli karipap. Walaupun I had nasi lemak for breakfast and makan ice-cream lagi sebelum pi Sogo tu, ntah la aku tiba2 lapar nie. Stay2 jagung kejap di bus-stand Pasar Seni tu pastue I went back to Central Market. Aku pi tanya di kedai yg jual artsy bags di sana pastue the girl working there called her boss then told me that her boss will call later. Uhh... Disappointed tul... Aku memang lost hope suda tadi... Pusing pusing pusing lagi di bawah tu. Then mo cau suda ni kunun skali ternampak pulak ada iklan "PART-TIMER/FULL-TIMER" di Log Art Gallery tu. Aku masuk then terus tanya, then the owner gave me a form to fill in and he asked me questions bla bla bla then asked me to come tomorrow at 10am. YES!!! OMG I am soooooo thankful to God... Terima kasih Allah... Biar la walaupun gaji kecil tapi I NEED it! For this month they will consider me as a part-timer as it's already 15th March. So my salary will be rated per hour. RM4.50. Next month baru full-time kunun. RM1,100 + commission. I forgot to ask about off days and other benefits such as medical benefit, EPF, SOCSO, etc. Ntah la maybe telampau bingung suda tadi kan so ndak teringat nie... Tapi apa2 la... Ini pun sudah a start of something better kan... Maybe not better than what I had before, but better than nothing at all... Ya I know I sound a bit in denial, but aku namau la kan jadi ungrateful lagi. Nanti ndak pasal2 Tuhan tarik lagi rezeki aku... Hmm... Nanti untuk DPLI tu aku akan do the best and harap2 dapat la... Insya-Allah... Semuanya dgn izin Allah... So malam ni after having dinner with Faezah, I'll go back to my place and pray for a better day tomorrow... Amin...

I'm broke but I'm happy 
I'm poor but I'm kind 
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah 
I'm high but I'm grounded 
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed 
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby 
And what it all comes down to 
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine 
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket 
And the other one is giving a high five 
I feel drunk but I'm sober 
I'm young and I'm underpaid 
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah 
I care but I'm restless 
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby 
And what it all comes down to 
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright 
I've got one hand in my pocket 
And the other one is flicking a cigarette 
What it all comes down to 
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet 
Cause I've got one hand in my pocket 
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused 
I'm green but I'm wise 
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby 
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit 
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby 
And what it all boils down to 
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet 
But I've got one hand in my pocket 
And the other one is playing a piano 
What it all comes down to my friends, yeah
Is that everything's just fine fine fine 
I've got one hand in my pocket 
And the other one is hailing a taxicab

Monday, March 14, 2011

Jobless, Loveless

Settled my DPLI application today… Felt like a student again just by sitting and waiting for a bus at the FBMK bus-stop, taking a ride on the UPM bus and going to the UPM post office. I miss my UPM years… I miss going to lectures, I miss doing assignments (REALLY? HAHAHA), I miss my faculty, my lecturers, my coursemates, everything about the days when I was studying in UPM, even though I was always broke. Haha broke? Even years after the graduation day pun I am still broke. Especially now when I’m out of job for almost 3 months already. Takut oh... Kenapa susah betul cari job this time…? Even shops di malls pun tiamau ni hire me…. :-( I know this is a test from God… but…. Sometimes I think it’s too much for me to handle… Luckily I have my friends to give me moral support… Terutama sekali Faezah… She helped me a lot in many ways… Slalu kasi aku dia punya words of wisdom tu. Comfort. Company. Understanding. Loyalty. She’s always there when I really need someone to talk to, someone to just be there and listen to all my whining, crying, complaining, cursing. Even masa hal Nasik dulu tu pun, she was the one yang aku turned to ni… and she was there. Bila ingat balik dulu, aku malu nie…. Masa dia going through the hardest times in her life, was I there for her…? =/ and what was my excuse? Kunun2 sebab time tu I wasn’t that close with her… Bulih accept ka tu alasan? Tidak, ya I know…

We shared so many stories today. From why I stopped writing diaries to memories of her late father… Pastue menangis-nangis kunun cam stupid... Hee… I’m so glad that we did. At least ringan skit beban perasaan yang I am feeling right now… Ceh. Poyo. Beban perasaan. Ahaha. Iya la ba. Akhir2 ni nangis jak kerja aku. Ndak habis2. Takut oh…. Bisuk mo kluar cari kerja nie…. Teruk suda oh aku rasa… Sampai camnie skali nie… Apa2 pun kena strong jugak nie… Sepa lagi kalau bukan diri sendiri to fend for myself kan? Haha. Ndak pa Nurul. This is part of growing up as an adult. Setiap orang dugaan dia tu lain2 kan? Kalau Tuhan tau ko cannot take it, Dia ndak akan give you the test in the very first place kan? Because Tuhan itu Maha adil. Don’t ever forget that Nurul. Iya… Bah suda la… It’s 2.45am already… Gotta go to sleep now… Good night… (how I wish I could still say “Good night Trent…” to him) *sighs*

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Andrian and the Lonely Sunday

Had an outing with Faezah at Mid Valley on Saturday. We ate KFC for brunch then teman her beli the “A Doctor in the House: The Memoirs of Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad” book. All we talked about was how guys jilted us bla bla bla. Ituuuu jak kami cakap bah lately. Haha. Macam ni la kali single women kan? Teda bf so cuma cakap pasal potential bfs seja la. Potential bfs yang suda teda. Huh……. Later in the evening Maizan, along with Iwan and Andrian, joined us. Siuk layan Andrian. Makin hensem ni. Nanti kalau dapat anak mau yg kiut macam dia ohh…. Lama ndak jumpa Maizan… She’s pregnant with a second child now… Mesti kiut tu kan kalau perempuan…. I wonder what they would call her. Would it be Adriana? Hahaha :P sibuk jak mo kasi nama anak urang. I hope it’s a girl. So I can buy her cute and pink clothes. Hehehe…

Faezah with Andrian
Finally I did the laundry today! Punya la men banyakkkk… Rasa macam sebulan lebih sudah ndak cuci kain. HAHAHA! Mo cakap bz tia la jugakk… Menganggur pun teda masa kunun cuci kain. Haha. Ui matai la pertengahan bulan Mac suda aku masih teda kerja… Shit o kan Pearson…. How could they do this to me….? Patutnya aku kerja suda bisuk. Grrrrrr….. Kalau aku tau suda aku pi cari jak kerja mana2. Ndak pun call i-Yuno earlier. Dang…. Mati la kalau ndak jugak dapat kerja nie. Camana mo bayar rental next month? Huh…. Cakap pasal next month…. Ntah la… Ndak dapat kali aku balik KK kan…? Burn la tu tiket tu…. Tingu la camana…. Kalau dapat job freelance di i-Yuno tu ok jugak… So bulih la kali balik…. I’m really hoping that I can go home next month… It’s my birthday… and kalau bulih…. I wanna see him again…. Maybe for one last time...? Itu pun kalau dia sudi… =/ I really wanna tell him that I’m sorry… Sorry for what I said… Sorry about what happened…. Ndak sepatutnya jadi gini bah…. Kenapa la mulut aku celupar sangat hari tu… Kalau ndak… Mesti aku hepi jak sekarang nie…. :-( If what happened didn’t happen, next month if I go home we would go to the beach and talk, talk and talk… We would have that dance… He would ask me to be his girl…. We would be so very much in love with each other… We would be the most perfect couple. See what I have missed? All because of my stupid mouth. Ndak worth it kan Nurul? Padan ngan muka kau…. Sepa suruh…. Selalu ndak control mulut…. I should’ve learned my lesson… Kenapa la jadi gini……? But…. Like what M Nasir said, apa nak jadi akan terjadi. I’m praying that God will soften his heart and bring him back to me…. Someday I hope we will be together just like how we’re supposed to be… Yeah… Someday… or… never…


Friday, March 11, 2011

R.I.P (January 2011-March 2011)


I’m unlovable. I am unlovable. Why? Let me tell you a story. Not a love story, but a story about my f****d up love situation. Oh yes, love is a situation. A situation that leads to either misery or a happy ending. But in most cases, love always ends in tragedy, love always brings misery, because most of us are not exceptions. We are the rule. Only exceptions win in the end.

It all started with one message. On Facebook. It was in January. I invited him for a hangout. Oh, if I knew it would lead to this, I would never have sent him that message. We met for the first time on 21st January 2011. Oh, yes I still remember. He wore a Joy Division t-shirt and I wore an ACDC t-shirt. We were such a perfect match, I never realised that before. I still remember the way he looked. He was so cute and adorable. We exchanged songs and movies. It was a memorable day. I tried to prove that it was not a date by eating a McDonald’s Chicken Prosperity Burger. And I ate like a pig. I talked way too much, which was very unlike me. Because I never start a conversation when I’m with someone I’ve just known or rarely know. I never knew I would be attracted to a guy who is so much younger than me. I still remember the way he looked at me and then looked away immediately when I caught him looking at me. His eyes. Now I know I will never have the chance to look at those beautiful eyes up close. I will never have the chance to have that dance with him. The dance that he promised… I had the chance, but I blew it with just one word. The F word. Oh, how stupid I can be. I should’ve learned my lesson. I forgot. It just slipped out. It was a mistake that can never be undone. And now I’m paying the price for being so reckless with my choice of words with a broken heart. I still remember how he sang for me for the first time that night. It was The Smiths’ Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want. I fell for him right away. Instantly. Without any further due.

The second time we met was the following day. 22nd January 2011. He wore a Morrissey t-shirt. “OMG he is so cool!” I screamed in my heart. He’s like a dream came true to me. He has everything, EVERYTHING that I’m looking for in a guy. He’s cute, he listens to all the good bands, he’s smart, sensitive and an emo just like me. We ate Takoyaki. It was a first for him. I still remember everything. I still remember how he blushed when our eyes accidentally met and we looked away. It was raining cats and dogs that night. It was so funny and so embarrassing. I had to ask his friends (two brothers), one of them is a mutual friend, to send me home as there was no bus going to my place left. He lent me his Adidas sweater, which I believe was just an excuse for him to see me again. Haha perasan! *sighs*

On 26th January 2011, the day before I left KK for KL again, we had our third, and now I know was the last, meeting. No. It was a date. Yeah. It was a date. We watched a movie. We had a long talk in front of the former Anjung Senja site. We talked and talked and talked and talked. I didn’t want it to end. I was so comfortable around him. I couldn’t stop talking, which was so unlike me. The next day was painful. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay and spend some more days with him. There was nobody to send me to the airport as it was a work day. I cried all the way during the flight. I didn’t cry like that on the day that I left KL on 5th January 2011. My final day with Mohd Haszuan Ahmad Nazri, the man who broke my heart to pieces.

The entire month of February, we kept in touch through SMS, MMS, phone calls and of course, Facebook. Despite the fact that he’s three years younger than me, he actually gets me. He gets me. And I get him. We speak the same language. We listen to the same music. We watch the same movies. We wear the same clothes. Our hearts were made of the same substance. We clicked right away. And the most important thing was, he was attracted to me just as much as I was attracted to him. We could’ve been perfect together. But look at what I’ve done… I ruined everything.

March came. And he’s gone. And now I know, he’s too good to be true. I should’ve seen this coming. This is too painful. Too hurtful. Too great to bear. I just recovered from a major heartbreak and now I have to go through the same thing all over again. God, please give me strength.

“I am the Resurrection – The Stone Roses” was his last text message for me. I know. There will be no more messages after this. There will be no more phone calls from him. There will be no more singing. There will be no more FB wall spams. There will be no more Trent... I was too careless. Too reckless. I was the one who ended what we had, what we could have, what we should have. In the end, I have nobody else to blame but myself. Now, he just couldn’t care less about me. He doesn’t care. He will never again. No mercy. I hurt him. And he did warn me about this beforehand. He did. I didn’t listen. No, it wasn’t that. I just forgot. Because… because he hurt me too… He told me that it makes him weak to see a girl who looks just like his ex-girlfriend…. Imagine how I felt….? His words were like a dagger to my heart. Maybe I was over-reacting… but…. I couldn’t help it… I was so frustrated…. I waited for him for days…. He had some problems and completely shut me out… He didn’t want to tell me what’s wrong…. Luckily he is a blogger… So I found out from his blog… and I kept waiting for him to call or text me… He did tell me about his problems in the end…. and I appreciated it…. At least he did try to open up to me… But he was still acting cold towards me…. I said to him, “Thanks for hurting me like that. Next time, don’t go around telling a girl that you like her if you still can’t get over your ex-gf.” Then no reply. I lost control. I let anger defeat me. And foolishly, I let it all out on my Facebook wall. No mercy. We ignored each other for one whole day. And then he texted me. He said sorry….. But as stubborn and stupid as I was, I said to him that love is just a miserable lie. “Love is just a situation” was his reply. And I said those 12 words, which I wish I could take back, “Yeah. A fucked up situation that brings nothing but misery and tears.” And now, it’s over. No mercy. No forgiveness. It’s over, over, over.

Curtis was right… Love will tear us apart… AA once said to me that we must never be apart… And see how chaos rules when we’re apart…? Ah… I knew it was never gonna last anyway… I knew, sooner or later, it’s going to end… In this case, better sooner than later, right? What will happen, will happen. There’s nothing to stop it… But keep in mind Nurul… that rain will stop in the end… Somehow, I still need something to hold on to, something to believe in. Although I have lost my faith in love, I’m going to put my faith in that. That rain will stop in the end. And rainbow will show itself again. A wise friend told me to be patient. So, yeah. That’s exactly what I’m going to do. Be patient. Patience is part of faith, anyway. So be patient Nurul. Keep the faith. Keep the faith. Goodbye Trent… Goodbye AA… It was really nice knowing you…