Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sick of Sick Love. Sick of Love. Sick Love. Lovesick.


Been listening to Love Will Tear Us Apart
over and over and over and over and over again today. It's actually the song that I listened to the most during the beginning of my acquaintance with Ally. That was like more than a year ago. Now I'm not so sure if I should ever mention his name on my blog again. Not sure if he feels the same way. I don't think so. And I don't wanna know anymore. Because it's gonna hurt me if the answer is NO.

On a funnier note, the drummer of Noisy Crush, a local grunge band from Tawau, Sabah, was playing cupid and tried to match me up with their guitarist. Seriously kid? He's 19 for the sake of God! Hahahaha. But I had a good laugh chatting with them especially Mr. Cupid himself who is 20 years old. Crazy lad. But I had a good laugh. Haha. Oh gosh I really envy their young age. I'm turning 30 in less than 3 years from now. I'm single. Not sure if I'm available. I have no prospect. What happens next? Am I gonna get married with a younger guy at the age of 32 just like Faezah? Or with one of my exes? (No, not Nasik please). Or with someone totally new? Or am I gonna stay a spinster for the rest of my life?

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Smitten

He gave me a prank call last night. It feels like forever since I heard his laughter. Auwwwwwwwwwww cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......... I am totally SMITTEN.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Connecting the Dots

It's 3.30am and I'm still up. Can't believe that I spent Hari Raya Haji entirely alone. Gah. It was my own fault. Terlepas pandang tarikh Raya Haji. Zzz... Well, there's always a first time in everything right. It wasn't so bad after all. I guess I don't really mind having to spend time alone nowadays. I'm used to it. And the feeling of not having to rely on other people emotionally and physically, the feeling of enjoying my own company, is just great! I'm so happy that I've reached that phase in my life where I don't mind being a solitary soul, y'know, the phase where I don't even give a damn about my cellphone anymore, about whether or not I cross someone else's mind, about whether or not that person whom I'm having a huge huge huge crush on would text or call. Although, I must admit that I do check my phone occasionally in case he texted or called, but I don't really mind if he didn't. It used to make me feel so down, but I am no longer that girl.

Today, I read a stranger's blog. (Apa juga mo heran kan zaman sekarang ni strangers read about strangers. It happens everyday haha). But this particular stranger is no stranger to the guy whom I'm having the world's biggest crush on. It's crazy y'know, it's crazy how what she wrote years ago could make so much sense to me because it's exactly what's happening to me now, it's exactly the situation I'm in right now. I could relate so much. I don't know if I have anything in common with her, but one thing for sure, we felt (in my case, both felt and feel) the same way for the same guy. The only difference is the time frame. Whereas she was "long-term", I was "short-term". To be exact, I was "never-term" or you could also put it as "almost-term". He's the type of guy who girls fall for y'know, he's the type of guy who girls regret leaving, he's the type of guy who girls remember for the rest of their lives. I am one of those girls.

I found myself reading the old messages sent between me and him on Facebook after reading the stranger's blog. Some of them made me laugh, some of them made me cry. And my heart cringed at seeing his messages where he was telling me that he missed me, but I ignored it totally. Oh gosh, how cruel I was. Urgh, no, I was not cruel, I was stupid! "Nurul, IMY". :'( Now, how I wish I could turn back time to that particular moment and tell him that I missed him just as much, maybe more than he knew, maybe more than I knew. I miss having conversations with him. Conversations about life, about the country, about social issues, about music, about our favourite bands, about books, about our passions, about plans, about problems, about failures, about achievements, about dreams, and especially, about our feelings (towards each other). And I miss his over-the-phone serenades too. Yes, I miss him. I miss him! But I just don't have  the guts to tell him that. And plus, he just broke up with his girlfriend... (Actually, No Joke told me about this on the night after the gig but I didn't believe it until I saw what he wrote in his blog). It really took me by surprise, because I really thought they would end up getting married, y'know. And to be honest? It was the BEST news I've heard in months! I was like, "Yes yes yes yessss!!!!". But... I don't think he wants to jump into a new relationship right now. I wouldn't want that either... I mean, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a guy who just got out of a relationship, y'know. But... Screw that rule Nurul! Shouldn't he be an exception? I mean, you've waited so long. Do you really want to wait until someone else grabs him first and kills your opportunity AGAIN? Urgh. Please tell me love doesn't suck.

 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Memori Oktober

1 October - Met Ally for the first time since our KL outing in March. We had dinner at Pasar Malam KK with our mutual friend, Azril. He gave me Bruce Springsteen and tie dye tshirts as well as a pair of Clarks Wallabee shoes (which are regretfully a bit too small for me). I gave him Morrissey's latest album, Years of Refusal. *happy*

2 October - Ally added me back on Facebook.

7 October - Met Ally again only to return his office keys that were unintentionally left in the bag of Wallabee shoes that he gave me. He was busy helping his friend so he couldn't hang out with me. Zzz...

10 October - Had the delicious Sembulan mee pangsit for the first time with my best buddy, No Joke. To my surprise, Ally came to accompany Azril for a bowl of mee pangsit too. Nice coincidence. Was it? :P

11 October - Had my second mee pangsit with No Joke, Ally and Azril. Exchanged some views with Azril on how Nirvana fans SHOULD be fans of Pearl Jam and Soundgarden as well. An opinion which I don't agree with. I mean, why stereotype, right?

13 October - Went to Borneo Festigrunge 2012 with Ally (and No Joke)! We had fun alright! I didn't want the day to end.

14 October - It was time to say goodbye. I wore the Bruce Springsteen tshirt to the airport. I look forward to the time when we'll meet again. Someday. :-(

Friday, October 19, 2012

denial, denial

I don't wanna be your friend
I just wanna be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Fall off the table
Get swept under
Denial, denial
The infrastructure will collapse
From voltage spikes
Throw your keys in the bowl
Kiss your husband "good night"
 
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Fall off the table
And get swept under
Denial, denial
Denial, denial
Your ears are burning
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial   

a n x i e t y

You're the reason why I'm still up at 3am,
But you're nowhere to be seen,
And even when you see me, you still don't see me,
You're the object of my sorrow, my anxiousness,
But what do you know, you couldn't care less,
And it's not fair, because I didn't want to care,
And when I do, you always, always walk away,
I'm sick of this guessing game,
Oh boy, why won't you just be a man,
And take away my pain.