Friday, May 31, 2013

Blogging is a Therapy

Have you ever felt like there is nobody in this world who can really understand you? Even if you have explained to the other person everything that you've been going through, but he or she still does not get you?

Then I suggest that you write about it in a diary or simply blog about it. Because diary writing or blogging is just like talking to a therapist but you won't have to worry about whether people understand it or not because you are only writing for yourself. Remember that YOU understand yourself better than anyone in this world. Plus, it's FREE!

And, don't forget to pray too! Because Allah understands even better. :-)

Thursday, May 30, 2013

What's Eating Nurul Grape

A photo from What's Eating Gilbert Grape (it has nothing to do with this post)

Dear Pitty,

Actually, there is something else that I want to write about tonight. Something that's been really bothering me. It's about my friend, my dear dear friend W. Y'know, he's the kind of friend that I rarely see, but we care about each other. I've known him since my first year in UPM, since when he was still unmarried, but we have lost contact for years and recently found each other on Facebook. So, it's needless to say that we are not that close. We keep in touch through Facebook. We talk about normal and some personal stuff. Now, the thing that is bothering me began last week. Okay, before I continue, let me make it clear that I'm writing this not to humiliate anybody, let alone hurt my friend's feelings, but because this is my diary and I write about what's happening in my life and I have the right to write whatever that I want to write and I am totally responsible for it, don't worry, and I believe that every blogger shares my view in this. And need I remind you that my blog is all about honesty?

So, okay, I was saying, this bothering began when he started calling me at odd hours, in the middle of the night, when I was asleep. It went on for three nights in a row and he stopped when I asked him to call me during normal hours if he needs to talk to me. (My bad).  Then, he started calling me every. single. day. But I never answered it. Because he has the tendency to call at the wrong time. (READ: When I'm sleeping, when I'm praying, when my phone is silent, when my phone is not with me, when I'm rushing with my work or doing something else, or when I simply refuse to pick up the phone). I don't know if what I'm doing is right, avoiding him and all, but I don't feel comfortable talking to someone else's husband on the phone in the middle of the night! Or any time of the day! I don't know. I think if he didn't make those first three phone calls maybe I wouldn't feel so bothered.

This thing gives me two different kinds of feelings. One, it makes me angry, two, it makes me feel guilty. Angry because I feel like he doesn't respect my personal time, because I feel that he's being clingy and desperate for attention. Guilty because I feel like I'm being a very very very bad friend. I mean, I am avoiding my friend who is really in need right now. How could I do this to him? I don't know... I don't know what is wrong with me! I understand his need for a friend right now. For a company. For someone to talk to. For a listener. For a confidante. I feel him. Because I know how it feels like to feel like you're all alone in this world with no one to really understand or care. Believe me, I know. But... When he keeps calling me like that it's actually pushing me away even further. It's suffocating! What's wrong with just PMing me on Facebook? Like we used to before? I have never ignored his Facebook messages! Not even once! (until yesterday). So what's wrong with just that? Why does he need more? Why must he need more? I can't give him more. I am sorry. I can't. I'm not sure if I am being a bad friend or a good friend right now. Tell me Pitty. Tell me, how would a woman feel if she found out that her husband has been calling his female friend in the middle of the night? Even if it doesn't mean anything of that sort (y'know what sort), it would still hurt her right? Because I would! I am a woman, I know! And I will never really do anything to hurt another woman. Yeah, I know I've done something not so nice before (y'know who I am referring to don't you Pitty?), but I'm not going to betray someone of my own gender. I'm done with the betrayal. It's against my principle as a woman. Just because she did it to him first, it doesn't mean he can do the same thing WITH me to get back at her! Even if it was not his intention, but it still violates MY principle. Call me a sexist, I don't care. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings anymore. Maybe I already hurt his feelings, but what about how I feel?

If you are reading this W, please forgive me for not having the courage to "face" you and tell you what's wrong. I am really really sorry for being such a bad friend to you. I know you don't deserve this. I know you are in need of a friend right now. I know that if it was me, you would never do this to me. But please, can we go back to the usual? Maybe I am just overreacting or being absolutely ridiculous and unfair and selfish, but I can't talk to you on the phone. At least not for now. Because it doesn't feel right for me, so please, just stop. I hope you can respect that. I'm so sorry...


Something Old, Something New

Dear Pitty,

Now that Fatin has gone back to Unisel, I'm back to my old, lonely life. Okay, I'm just being melodramatic there, I don't feel that lonely anymore. Hehe. But I am missing Fatin. I miss the company. If she was still here she would sleep in until late afternoon or until I woke her up for lunch, she would have a The Vampire Diaries marathon sometimes until 3am, and on certain days she would go out with her friends. So much for a company huh? But at least I have a lunch and dinner buddy on most days when she was here for 2 weeks. I miss going out with her too. But I just realised that we have never gone to the cinema together since she got enrolled in Unisel. Gosh. We should have. How can I forget? Oh, no, I didn't forget. Remember the outing I had with Siti and Cal early this month? We watched Iron Man 3 that day. Fatin was supposed to join us but she hung out with her friends instead. And she watched the same movie with her friends. Zzzz.... It's okay. Raya is around the corner, so I guess we'll go to the movies in my hometown. With Ain. And mom. And perhaps Abang Zul would like to join us too! He's coming home for raya this year! Yay! :D
By the way, my cousin Suzie is getting married tomorrow. And I am not going. I can't go. Because... Urgh this is a bit embarrassing. I'm so broke I can't even afford a flight ticket back to KK or Tawau for her wedding. Zzz... But it's okay, because she said she understands. I promised her that I'll give her wedding gift when I'm back for raya. I went to her engagement ceremony after all. I didn't think that she would get married so soon. She didn't either. But, like the old saying, kita merancang, Tuhan menentukan. Hehe. My mom, my grandmother, Macik Inah, Pacik Nawi+family are all going. Only me, Fatin, Abang Zul, Macik Tipah+family, Ucu+family, Macik Tam, dad, and Ain are not going. It's okay, we'll all see each other during raya. :)

On a different note, today I decided to change my blog template. Not because I don't like the previous one anymore, but because I'm bored of it. I need something new to look at, something fresh, so... tadaaa! Hehe. In many ways, I do still prefer the old one, but I'm liking this one as well for its clean and neat look. Plus, now I have the Home/Older Posts links. I never figured out what was missing or what went wrong with the old template (it didn't show the Home/Older Posts links). It used to irritate me so much but because I didn't find any other template that I liked, so I stick to it anyway. I think I'm quite satisfied with my blog's new design (for now). The only thing I haven't added is my favourite bands list. Wajib ada tu. Hehe. Nanti lah, this weekend. About the banner, I'll just leave it as it is for now because I don't quite know how to create a nice banner yet. This is my first attempt. I will learn how to do it later when I'm freer or to be exact, when I'm feeling more rajin. Kehkehkeh. Hey! I just realised that my new blog background reminds me of Coldplay's album cover for Mylo Xyloto. 

No wonder it looks somewhat familiar. Ada la sikit2 resemblance kan. Hehe. Okay lah Pitty, that's all for tonight!



Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Another Rare Productive Day :)

Dear Pitty,

Today has been a good day for me in terms of work. I finished all my work, ALL, which means including backlogs for 1-21 May 2013 as well as today's workload before 6pm. It really made me feel so good, and unless this, today is just another ordinary day of my very boring life. I don't really have anything to write about today, except that I'm happy with my productivity today. I hope that it will be a continuous thing and I don't want my TL to keep bringing up the same issue over and over again. I am sick of being labelled as non-productive (although sometimes it wasn't really my fault but I'm not saying that I'm 100% not guilty). I want to prove to everyone, especially my TL, that I am able to complete all my tasks as required. I had actually shown a major improvement back in February, but my productivity was hampered to some extent because they assigned the C i t i Daily Analytical Report Summary (D A R S) to me. (Luckily they handed it back over to the original writer last month, fuh~). The same thing happened many times before because I was a backup writer for my ex-colleague Jay. I don't mind having to do any extra work, in fact, I am VERY glad because it somehow shows that they have faith in me, that they think I am reliable. The thing is, I feel that I wasn't given enough credit for all the extra work that I've done or the help that I've given because it was never properly highlighted in the monthly evaluations. And in my defence, I was the only S M A in my team who had to write the D A R S, while the others only had to do their usual tasks and were always praised for their productivity and good enough performance. I wasn't even paid for the extra work I've done, let alone compensated for any additional annual leave (for the weekends that I worked on). So I really believe that they have done me injustice in "accusing" me of being non-productive. I did my best. I'm not really expecting for any reward (although the annual bonus would be nice), but at least give me some recognition or credit for the hard work I have done. I mean, c'mon, I pay for my own Internet connection, electricity bills, and I use my own machine. These are not provided or paid for by the company, so gimme a break people. Maybe I should ask for a salary raise. Do you notice that this blog entry has turned from I-had-a-really-productive-day post into yet another ranty one Pitty? Yeah, maybe I really should ask for a raise.



Friday, May 17, 2013

Quote of the Day

Life has knocked me down a few times,

It showed me things I never wanted to see,

I experienced sadness and failures,

But one thing for sure,

I always get up. 

 - Whisper of the Heart -

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

New Order

Dear Pitty,

Today is exactly one week since I've started wearing hijab. You're shocked? It's okay, I expected that. But just so you know, this is not really shocking for me, because I have had the desire to change my image since (okay, be prepared to feel more shocked now) 3 years ago. May 7, 2013 is a really significant date for me because it was the day when I finally decided to cover not only my hair but also my whole body (meaning, you will see less of me in jeans now). Alhamdulillah, it was not too late for me. The day before that, I kept thinking of how am I going to adjust my new image with my old one. I still very much want to maintain my original sense of style (READ: band t-shirts + Converse sneakers) and at the same time covering my entire aurat. So, yeah, here is how I'm going to look like most of the time when I go out now.

First photo!
How do I look in that photo? It was taken on May 7. :)  I really need to shop for more appropriate clothes later, but I think it's enough for now. I already bought two new pashminas, three new shawls, three normal hijab for daily wear, in addition to the two shawls I previously bought to attend kursus kahwin back in 2011 and another one given by Faezah, as well as two new long skirts.

Here are more photos of me wearing hijab. :)

Shawl from Faezah! :D
Me with Siti at a Japanese restaurant (forgot the name) at Pavilion last Sunday
I am so happy with my new image. I never thought it would be so easy. On the first day, I did sneak out of the house to avoid my housemate (one of my housemates was home that day) because I didn't want anyone to make such a big fuss about it and though it took a lot of courage for me to go out like that, it got easier day after day. At that moment, I knew that I will never look back once I stepped out of the house wearing hijab, I knew that was it, y'know. I thought I would feel a little regret later, but surprisingly (in a pleasant way), I didn't. And I thank Allah s.w.t for finally opening my heart to make that change. Alhamdulillah, all praises be to Allah, Allahu Akbar.

One of the best things about wearing hijab for me is that nobody will ever mistake me for a Chinese (READ: non-muslim) girl again. Now I will be recognised as a muslimah and no words can really describe how happy and glad and proud I am to be one, to be identified as one. I will do the best I can to be a better muslimah, a better servant to Allah. One of my biggest fears is to die without iman... And I hope and I pray that Allah will accept my repentance, my ibadah...

To tell you the truth Pitty, I have been secretly admiring those women who cover their aurat from head to toe. I'm talking about those women who wear tudung labuh, baju labuh, everything labuh. I admire these women. I envy these women. I cringe inside whenever I see them, but like I said, I admire them. I wondered, how strong and deep their iman must be. And how I would love to be one of them. There are still many things to be done for me to get there, to get to that level. Not only in terms of aurat, but EVERYTHING. I will do my best. Not only for me, but also my two younger sisters. And I know Allah will always be with me.