I realised now that every time I open this blog and start writing, it means that something has saddened me. Yes, I realised now that I tend to write when I'm sad, which means that sadness inspires me more rather than happiness. It's easier to jot down my feelings when I'm sad. It kind of gives me an excuse to speak what is really going on in my head and in my heart. And I love that feeling. Apparently, I love feeling sad. Sadness stimulates my mind, it makes me more alert, attentive, watchful. It keeps me conscious, focused. It gives me time to reflect. It gives me life.
Why am I sad? Or rather, why does being in a relationship make me feel sad instead of joy? If I love being sad so much, why am I hearing this voice in my heart saying that this isn't right? This isn't what I want? Why is it constantly telling me to get out of this non-existent relationship? To make me happy? Now, isn't that ironic?
I am not the person I was 7 or 8 years ago. I can never be that person anymore. I mean, in terms of loving someone. I don't think I will ever be able to love someone the way I used to. The way I could in my previous relationship. I think, when I lost that relationship, I somehow lost that person I was. Of course I can never be her again. She was naive. Trusting. And foolish. I am not all that anymore. Maybe I am still a fool, but I am certainly not naive. The problem is, it makes it hard for me to keep my faith in that thing we love to call love.
What is love? To tell the truth, I don't know. I honestly have no idea. I love AE, but actually I'm not sure if he's right for me. I know he loves me. I know he does. But there are so many things about him that disenchanted me. I'm sorry that I'm saying this, but it's true. I tried to accept him the way he is, I tried to turn a blind eye, I tried to tell myself that it's okay, no one's perfect, and it's not perfection that I am after, not at all. But I cannot lie to myself any longer. And it's not okay. It's not that he's not a kind person, he is. In fact, he is one of the kindest persons I've ever met. He cares about his family so much. And those are some of the qualities I am looking for in a partner. But I don't know why, it doesn't feel right. Something is missing somewhere and I can't quite explain it.
I've been treating him so poorly. I've been acting like a jerk. Not answering his phone calls, not texting him back, picking a fight. I feel like breaking up, but at the same time I don't want to. Because... Because it would break my heart... and it would make me sad... now, this is really ironic, isn't it? And I know I sound like a selfish prick. Only thinking of myself. But if I were to justify it, I am saving him from a broken heart too, am I not?
- Written on Saturday, November 12, 2016 -