Monday, March 26, 2012

Aku OK

I hope I'll get used to this feeling soon. Yeah... Maybe I am not used to being single yet... Looking back, I have never really been single in my life. I mean, really really single as in not having any kind of relationship with any kind of guy. What I have now is only friendships, which I cherish and am so grateful for. I am not sure about how I really feel right now though. OK, yes I am feeling a bit lonely, but I really hope that what I am feeling at the moment is not some kind of a need of attention from some guy. That is the last thing I need right now. What I need now is to give myself some time and space. I am so not ready for any relationship right now. I WAS NOT ready. That was the reason why things didn't work out between me and Ally. Because I was impatient. I knew I was not ready, but I wanted it anyway. Degil kan. Nah sekarang rugi. Pfft. And I am still not ready now. It is however kind of sad to be reminded that I have nobody (of the opposite gender) to text with on a regular basis anymore now. Nobody's wondering about what I'm doing or whether I have eaten, bathed or whether my cat died or whatever. Nobody (of the opposite gender) cares anymore. But it will be very pathetic if I put my happiness on such silly things, right? I don't need to rely on those things to be happy. I am so much stronger than that. I have my friends who will always be there for me whenever I am feeling up or down. I am so grateful to have them in my life. Not forgetting, my sisters and also my mom. :) I really really really miss them. Losing Nasik (again) makes me appreciate other people in my life more. So it is not a bad thing. Having him in my life pun selama ni selalu buat aku sakit hati n otak jak pun. I am not saying that he had never made me happy or never done anything good to and for me. I was always happy when he was with me. The problem was, ONLY when he was with me. When we were not together, I was always suspicious, I never trusted him, I was always worried. And I was right all along. The suspicion and trust issues were NEVER baseless. There was a reason why I felt that way all this while. Huh. When am I ever going to stop talking about him? Entahlah. He was and maybe still is a major part of my life. He is the reason why I am where I am right now after all, right? If not because of what he had done, I wouldn't have quit Esmerk at the time I did, I wouldn't have gone back to KK at the time I did, I wouldn't have met Ally at the time I did, and maybe,  just maybe, my friendship with Faezah would've never developed to the level it's at right now. And if all that had never occurred at the time and place they should've had, I might have never found out that Nasik is still the man he was. If anyone could call him a man at all. Thank you Allah. I am so thankful. Syukur alhamdulillah, aku OK.

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