Thursday, January 26, 2017

Of Love and Sorrow

I realised now that every time I open this blog and start writing, it means that something has saddened me. Yes, I realised now that I tend to write when I'm sad, which means that sadness inspires me more rather than happiness. It's easier to jot down my feelings when I'm sad. It kind of gives me an excuse to speak what is really going on in my head and in my heart. And I love that feeling. Apparently, I love feeling sad. Sadness stimulates my mind, it makes me more alert, attentive, watchful. It keeps me conscious, focused. It gives me time to reflect. It gives me life.

Why am I sad? Or rather, why does being in a relationship make me feel sad instead of joy? If I love being sad so much, why am I hearing this voice in my heart saying that this isn't right? This isn't what I want? Why is it constantly telling me to get out of this non-existent relationship? To make me happy? Now, isn't that ironic?

I am not the person I was 7 or 8 years ago. I can never be that person anymore. I mean, in terms of loving someone. I don't think I will ever be able to love someone the way I used to. The way I could in my previous relationship. I think, when I lost that relationship, I somehow lost that person I was. Of course I can never be her again. She was naive. Trusting. And foolish. I am not all that anymore. Maybe I am still a fool, but I am certainly not  naive. The problem is, it makes it hard for me to keep my faith in that thing we love to call love.

What is love? To tell the truth, I don't know. I honestly have no idea. I love AE, but actually I'm not sure if he's right for me. I know he loves me. I know he does. But there are so many things about him that disenchanted me. I'm sorry that I'm saying this, but it's true. I tried to accept him the way he is, I tried to turn a blind eye, I tried to tell myself that it's okay, no one's perfect, and it's not perfection that I am after, not at all. But I cannot lie to myself any longer. And it's not okay. It's not that he's not a kind person, he is. In fact, he is one of the kindest persons I've ever met. He cares about his family so much. And those are some of the qualities I am looking for in a partner. But I don't know why, it doesn't feel right. Something is missing somewhere and I can't quite explain it.

I've been treating him so poorly. I've been acting like a jerk. Not answering his phone calls, not texting him back, picking a fight. I feel like breaking up, but at the same time I don't want to. Because... Because it would break my heart... and it would make me sad... now, this is really ironic, isn't it? And I know I sound like a selfish prick. Only thinking of myself. But if I were to justify it, I am saving him from a broken heart too, am I not?

- Written on Saturday, November 12, 2016 -

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

10 Random Questions Part 3

1. Do you like to dance?
Hmmm I have to say no. I do love the song I'd Rather Dance With You by Kings of Convenience though. I love watching people dance.

2. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Yeah, why not. But not alone of course.

3. Does your name make any interesting anagrams?
Are these considered interesting? Ruin, run, ran, hurl, hail, haul, annul, annual, urn, inn.

4. Who made the last incoming call on your phone?
My boyfriend. :)

5. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
My QCed weekly report for U.O.B yesterday. Boringggg I know.

6. Last time you swam in a pool?
Ages ago. I can't even remember.

7. Type of music you like most?
Rock N Roll!

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Dance music. I mean the electronic, clubbing, DJed type.

9. Are you listening to music right now?
Yes, I am. The song playing right now is Musician, Please Take Heed from the God Help the Girl soundtrack.

10. What colour is your bedroom carpet?
I don't have any in my bedroom.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

F R A C T U R E

What happens when a fragile being collides with another fragile being?

They will smash into pieces.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

10 Random Questions Part 2

1. When did you last laugh?
Some time last week I guess.

2. Do you remember why/at what?
Most likely at his silly jokes.

3. What are on the walls of the room you are in?
A caricature of Yusuff, a whiteboard with Yusuff's drawings, a whiteboard eraser, magnetic tacks, and an electricity bill on it, a mirror, and a mounted bookshelf.

4. Seen anything weird lately?
No.

5. What do you think of this quiz?
Clearly the creator of this quiz was bored of life more than me.

6. What is the last film you saw?
Victor Frankenstein.

7. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
Somewhere beautiful and tax-free.

8. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
I will buy you a garden, where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car, perfect shiny and new
I will buy you that big house, way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life

9. Tell me something about you that most people don't know.
I have a towel I use to clean my nose (READ: boogers) every day. Hahaha.

10. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I would eradicate CIGARETTES, DRUGS, and PORN.

Between Sense and Madness

True! - nervous - very, very dreadfully nervous I had been 
and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease 
had sharpened my senses - not destroyed - not dulled them. 
Above all was the sense of  hearing acute. I heard 
all things in the heaven and the earth. I heard many 
things in hell. How then am I mad?

The Tell-Tale Heart
EDGAR ALLAN POE

We've been together for 8 months, give and take. And even after all the reassuring, the convincing, the consoling, I still let myself be betrayed by my insecurities every now and then. It's like a loaded gun, waiting, anticipating, for its trigger to be pulled. I don't know why is it so easy for me to keep losing my confidence. It seems I am unable to accept or believe that I can be loved, wholeheartedly, by a kind and honest man, like him. I always feel like I don't deserve his love or that he deserves someone who can love him better, someone who is superior to me in every way; attractiveness, talents, intelligence. I always feel threatened by his female friends. Be it his best friend, his Facebook friends, his colleagues, even his female celebrity crushes. Sometimes it makes me feel like I have an issue that needs to be addressed, that needs to be treated even? I don't know. I love him, yes, I do. But this constant feeling of uncertainty, of vacillation, is killing me. I noticed that it was almost always too easy for me to say things like "Maybe we should break up," or "Maybe this isn't right," just because of my jealousy, my resentment towards other women who are and were close to him. It's killing me. It's eating me up. Sometimes I cannot wait for him to be mine, sometimes I just cannot stand to be with him. Sometimes I just want to be left alone, but at the same time I cannot stand the thought of him not wanting to be with me anymore. Am I crazy? Am I mad?

10 Random Questions Part 1

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
'If I die,' said Wellington, 'please don't let me be found with my naked behind sticking up to the sky.' - A Song From Dead Lips by William Shaw. (-_-")

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, what can you touch?
My SpongeBob Squarepants towel that I hung under Faezah's mounted bookshelf.

3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing?
Working.

4. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Mistresses.

5. Without looking, guess what time it is.
3.30 PM

6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
3.30 PM (shocking!!!)

7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The sound of the standing fan.

8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Earlier. I was buying lunch.

9. Did you dream last night?
I cannot remember.

10. Do you remember your dreams?
Most of the time I do.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Uncertainty

After so long, I finally feel like I have a purpose in my life. However, I'm not sure if it makes me happy. I am unhappy. I'm always crying. I'm always hurting. If love is so great, then why does it hurt so much? Something in me is like telling me that this is not right. That it should not go on. I don't know. I don't know what I'm looking for. And for the first time in my life after so long, I'm lost. Again.

Sunday, August 09, 2015

Going the distance once again

Dear Pitty,

How are you old friend? Please forgive me for not writing to you for so long. The itch to write to you has been nagging me for quite some time, but I haven't really gotten (or to be exact, given) the chance to do so because I was so busy pretending to be busy. I don't know why I tend not to write about things when they are actually things going on in my life. Okay, let's just cut the crap and get down to the real reason I'm writing this letter to you.

Do you still remember the friend that I told you about? W? The friend whom I knew from my UPM years? The friend who called me at the wee hour of the morning and I refused to pick up? The friend who was married? Yes, that friend. I am in love with him now. Yes, Pitty! That friend whom once upon a time I avoided, whom I treated like s**t, whom I ignored at a time when he needed a friend the most. I am in love with him and he is in love with me.

Apparently, he was divorced since October 2013. He never told me until the time that we met in April this year. He didn't tell me because, obviously, he believed that I didn't care. Well, I don't blame him. I was an asshole. I totally deserved that. He was struggling with depression and I ignored him. What an ass I was. I can never be able to forgive myself for that. I'm so thankful to Allah that he is okay now. But I'm forever regretful that I wasn't part of those people who were there for him when he needed them the most. I can never change that. But he has forgiven me for what I did. He said what I did hurt him deeply, but he forgave me. I am so sorry for what I have done to him. If I was given the chance to turn back time, I would return to that exact moment in his life and just be that friend to him. That friend whom he could always count on, that friend who was always there for a shoulder to cry on. But I can never change the past. What I can definitely do is be that person that I want to be for him. For us. I will try my best to be there for him, to give him my back, to be there when he needs support, to love him, just as he would do for me.

I love him Pitty. I love him so much and I thought I could never love again. Who knew that this could happen to us? Who knew that we were meant to fall for each other? You know Pitty, I never saw this coming. None of us did, I believe. When he told me that he was no longer married, I had a smile in my heart, which was not very nice, I know, but that was how I felt. I smiled in my heart. If you want me to explain it Pitty, I can't. I don't know why I felt that way. And thankfully, he felt the same way. I don't know when was the exact time that all of this started, and how. It was all very spontaneous, so unplanned. And I love it that way. Now, we keep in touch every single day via WhatsApp and phone calls and Facebook. I'm going to see him again next month. 5th of September. And I'm planning to stay longer this time. I want to spend as much time as I can with him before I go back. I haven't even bought my flight ticket back home. I guess I'll always be that girl who'll always end up in a long-distance relationship, which sucks but at the same time feels so good, so right, that I won't let this slip away again.

I hope that you'll be happy for us, Pitty. I hope that this one lasts. Because I have a feeling that this is real. It's going to be hard for us to be together due to certain circumstances, I know. But I won't give up so easily. And I hope he would do the same for me. I love him Pitty. I truly do.

Sincerely yours,
Nurul

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Inner Conflicts

I have this tendency to say something that cuts people (maybe deeply, maybe not) and I'm sorry for being that way, I'm sorry that sometimes I don't laugh at your jokes, I'm sorry for being such a sensitive person that I can become insensitive. I don't like this situation. If I did or said something right, why do I feel like I'm the bad guy? I hate confrontations. I wouldn't say that to your face even if I wanted to. Maybe I am a hypocrite all along. Because I've never really felt that comfortable with being a so-called brutally honest person anyway. No, I'm not honest at all. If I really were an honest person I would've told that guy who is now happily married with his beautiful wife and is also a father to a cute baby boy that I was truly, deeply, madly in love with him in the first place. If I were really an honest person I would've admitted to myself that yes, it still hurts me to see that my ex is happy with his girlfriend and soon-to-be-wife, that it still affects me to see that they are having a better life than mine, that I'm still vulnerable to the old wound that he had caused me, and that I am honestly unhappy that I'm still single at the age of 30. I'm not an honest person and I am honestly sorry if I have made you think I am.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Song of the Day: Mating Season by Butterfingers

Getting jaded day by day
Digging deep, deep shores of reality
Up in the clouds hiding from the sun
There goes the king, wouldn't want to be one

When everything else fails
Turn the other side
Someday to know someday
Soon the tide will rise
Try listen to the light
You're standing on your shadow
When everything else fails

Let us sit and count the stars
As they melt on the palm of our hands
Rest the beast under the sunless sea
Rest in peace, I need a piece of my mind

When everything else fails
Burn up all your lies
When everything else fails
Learn about your life

When everything else fails
Turn the other side
Someday to know someday
Soon the tide will rise
Try listen to the light
Turn the other side
When everything else fails...

Monday, April 06, 2015

And Give Me Love Over Politik

For many reasons, I'm glad that I'm non-partisan. Discussing and/or reading about politics always leaves me with a heavy heart. Surprisingly not with anger or hatred, but with sadness. Ignorance is bliss they say, and under this particular circumstance, I agree.

Therefore, I choose to be ignorant.


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

E M P T Y

I've been given chances
with fairly a number of Adam's sons,
but I blew it all off.
I guess I shut the door, locked it
and forgot where I dropped the key.
That room inside my heart
has been left vacant far too long,
it yearns for a company.
But I don't know where I lost the key,
I'm sorry.

Thursday, March 05, 2015

Just a Random "I Haven't Blogged For a While" Post, Not an Apology.

Hah! I did it again! Time passed, life went on and I didn't blog. But it's okay, it's not the end of the world, no one died because of it, nobody couldn't care less, Nurul. Anyway, it's been around 6 months since I became a car owner. I learned so much about people and how they could be such assholes (or sweethearts) on the road. I learned so much about myself as a driver as well. I made a lotttttttttt of mistakes sometimes it makes me regret buying a car at all. Except for the minor accident that took place in October last year, nothing bad or major happened. Yet. Thank goodness for that. I'm still in the learning process. And I hope I'll become a very, very, very competent driver soon. To be honest, I am not that bad considering that driving was one of my biggest fears before. And if I were to rate myself from 1 to 10 I'd give myself a 6. Not bad eh? Why? Because I never forget to use the signal whenever I'm supposed to (including at roundabouts unlike some people!), I stop at YELLOW light, I'm considerate, I'm patient, et cetera et cetera.

I've also been listening to Lana Del Rey a lot lately. A LOT. I'm listening to Born to Die as we speak. I really, really love her songs. It all started with The Great Gatsby, in which Lana's song Young and Beautiful is used as the main theme song. Okay, I've heard of Lana before but I've never really tried to listen to any of her songs until I saw The Great Gatsby. Then, all the "online stalking" activities began. Her songs, urgh, her songs make me feel like no other songs make me feel. They are beautiful, haunting and sad in a very, very, very feel-good way. She has that genius mysterious air about her, dark, and very enchanting. I LOVE HER. I mean, how many current pop singers do I listen to? None! Except her. There's always a story behind her songs and mostly (if not all) they are about bad relationships (insecurity/dependency issues), which I can very much relate to. And I also love the fact that she used Bradley Soileau (a real hottie!) in 3 of her music videos (Born to Die, Blue Jeans and West Coast).  By using Bradley as her muse in the 3 videos, it created some kind of a continuity which I think is very interesting. I mean, interesting enough for me to scour all the information that I could get on the Internet on whether or not both of them are dating or dated or if they had any emotional connection at all. And maybe, Lana was trying to say that all 3 songs are about the same person. Haha. Anyways, these 3 songs of hers are my favourites (and I've been playing them on loop like a broken record for 3 days in a row now). Gotta go for now! I have to work! Zzzz...



Thursday, November 27, 2014

Al-kisah Baru Kejap Tadi 2

Lokasi: Perpustakaan Negeri Sabah, UTC

Situasi: Azan Asar berkumandang dari telefon pintar milik aku. Seorang remaja lelaki dan dua orang kanak-kanak lelaki yg sedang menggunakan komputer terus berkalih ke belakang mencari-cari sumber azan itu dan bila mereka sudah pasti yg ianya datang dari aku, mereka berkalih lagi beberapa kali ke arah aku. Their reaction was as if it was some kind of noise or something. Aku fahamlah ini perpustakaan tapi, it's azan not some rock music, okay? I was like, "Apa pandang-pandang? Pergi solat!" Yg lebih menyakitkan hati ialah, remaja lelaki tadi itu menggeleng-gelengkan kepalanya seperti beliau telah menyaksikan sesuatu yg tidak sepatutnya terjadi. Aku lihat beliau mencapai earphones lalu menyumbatkannya ke telinga beliau. Even the non-muslims didn't show that kind of reaction! Aku rasa sangat tergoda untuk pergi ke tempat beliau dan menghadiahkan beliau sepenampar.

P/S: Kenapa aku nda solat? Aku uzur lah! Kau tau apa?