Connecting the Dots

It's 3.30am and I'm still up. Can't believe that I spent Hari Raya Haji entirely alone. Gah. It was my own fault. Terlepas pandang tarikh Raya Haji. Zzz... Well, there's always a first time in everything right. It wasn't so bad after all. I guess I don't really mind having to spend time alone nowadays. I'm used to it. And the feeling of not having to rely on other people emotionally and physically, the feeling of enjoying my own company, is just great! I'm so happy that I've reached that phase in my life where I don't mind being a solitary soul, y'know, the phase where I don't even give a damn about my cellphone anymore, about whether or not I cross someone else's mind, about whether or not that person whom I'm having a huge huge huge crush on would text or call. Although, I must admit that I do check my phone occasionally in case he texted or called, but I don't really mind if he didn't. It used to make me feel so down, but I am no longer that girl.

Today, I read a stranger's blog. (Apa juga mo heran kan zaman sekarang ni strangers read about strangers. It happens everyday haha). But this particular stranger is no stranger to the guy whom I'm having the world's biggest crush on. It's crazy y'know, it's crazy how what she wrote years ago could make so much sense to me because it's exactly what's happening to me now, it's exactly the situation I'm in right now. I could relate so much. I don't know if I have anything in common with her, but one thing for sure, we felt (in my case, both felt and feel) the same way for the same guy. The only difference is the time frame. Whereas she was "long-term", I was "short-term". To be exact, I was "never-term" or you could also put it as "almost-term". He's the type of guy who girls fall for y'know, he's the type of guy who girls regret leaving, he's the type of guy who girls remember for the rest of their lives. I am one of those girls.

I found myself reading the old messages sent between me and him on Facebook after reading the stranger's blog. Some of them made me laugh, some of them made me cry. And my heart cringed at seeing his messages where he was telling me that he missed me, but I ignored it totally. Oh gosh, how cruel I was. Urgh, no, I was not cruel, I was stupid! "Nurul, IMY". :'( Now, how I wish I could turn back time to that particular moment and tell him that I missed him just as much, maybe more than he knew, maybe more than I knew. I miss having conversations with him. Conversations about life, about the country, about social issues, about music, about our favourite bands, about books, about our passions, about plans, about problems, about failures, about achievements, about dreams, and especially, about our feelings (towards each other). And I miss his over-the-phone serenades too. Yes, I miss him. I miss him! But I just don't have  the guts to tell him that. And plus, he just broke up with his girlfriend... (Actually, No Joke told me about this on the night after the gig but I didn't believe it until I saw what he wrote in his blog). It really took me by surprise, because I really thought they would end up getting married, y'know. And to be honest? It was the BEST news I've heard in months! I was like, "Yes yes yes yessss!!!!". But... I don't think he wants to jump into a new relationship right now. I wouldn't want that either... I mean, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a guy who just got out of a relationship, y'know. But... Screw that rule Nurul! Shouldn't he be an exception? I mean, you've waited so long. Do you really want to wait until someone else grabs him first and kills your opportunity AGAIN? Urgh. Please tell me love doesn't suck.