Sick of Sick Love. Sick of Love. Sick Love. Lovesick.

Been listening to Love Will Tear Us Apart over and over and over and over and over again today. It's actually the song that I listened to the most during the beginning of my acquaintance with Ally. That was like more than a year ago. Now I'm not so sure if I should ever mention his name on my blog again. Not sure if he feels the same way. I don't think so. And I don't wanna know anymore. Because it's gonna hurt me if the answer is NO.

On a funnier note, the drummer of Noisy Crush, a local grunge band from Tawau, Sabah, was playing cupid and tried to match me up with their guitarist. Seriously kid? He's 19 for the sake of God! Hahahaha. But I had a good laugh chatting with them especially Mr. Cupid himself who is 20 years old. Crazy lad. But I had a good laugh. Haha. Oh gosh I really envy their young age. I'm turning 30 in less than 3 years from now. I'm single. Not sure if I'm available. I have no prospect. What happens next? Am I gonna get married with a younger guy at the age of 32 just like Faezah? Or with one of my exes? (No, not Nasik please). Or with someone totally new? Or am I gonna stay a spinster for the rest of my life?

Smitten

He gave me a prank call last night. It feels like forever since I heard his laughter. Auwwwwwwwwwww cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......... I am totally SMITTEN.

Connecting the Dots

It's 3.30am and I'm still up. Can't believe that I spent Hari Raya Haji entirely alone. Gah. It was my own fault. Terlepas pandang tarikh Raya Haji. Zzz... Well, there's always a first time in everything right. It wasn't so bad after all. I guess I don't really mind having to spend time alone nowadays. I'm used to it. And the feeling of not having to rely on other people emotionally and physically, the feeling of enjoying my own company, is just great! I'm so happy that I've reached that phase in my life where I don't mind being a solitary soul, y'know, the phase where I don't even give a damn about my cellphone anymore, about whether or not I cross someone else's mind, about whether or not that person whom I'm having a huge huge huge crush on would text or call. Although, I must admit that I do check my phone occasionally in case he texted or called, but I don't really mind if he didn't. It used to make me feel so down, but I am no longer that girl.

Today, I read a stranger's blog. (Apa juga mo heran kan zaman sekarang ni strangers read about strangers. It happens everyday haha). But this particular stranger is no stranger to the guy whom I'm having the world's biggest crush on. It's crazy y'know, it's crazy how what she wrote years ago could make so much sense to me because it's exactly what's happening to me now, it's exactly the situation I'm in right now. I could relate so much. I don't know if I have anything in common with her, but one thing for sure, we felt (in my case, both felt and feel) the same way for the same guy. The only difference is the time frame. Whereas she was "long-term", I was "short-term". To be exact, I was "never-term" or you could also put it as "almost-term". He's the type of guy who girls fall for y'know, he's the type of guy who girls regret leaving, he's the type of guy who girls remember for the rest of their lives. I am one of those girls.

I found myself reading the old messages sent between me and him on Facebook after reading the stranger's blog. Some of them made me laugh, some of them made me cry. And my heart cringed at seeing his messages where he was telling me that he missed me, but I ignored it totally. Oh gosh, how cruel I was. Urgh, no, I was not cruel, I was stupid! "Nurul, IMY". :'( Now, how I wish I could turn back time to that particular moment and tell him that I missed him just as much, maybe more than he knew, maybe more than I knew. I miss having conversations with him. Conversations about life, about the country, about social issues, about music, about our favourite bands, about books, about our passions, about plans, about problems, about failures, about achievements, about dreams, and especially, about our feelings (towards each other). And I miss his over-the-phone serenades too. Yes, I miss him. I miss him! But I just don't have  the guts to tell him that. And plus, he just broke up with his girlfriend... (Actually, No Joke told me about this on the night after the gig but I didn't believe it until I saw what he wrote in his blog). It really took me by surprise, because I really thought they would end up getting married, y'know. And to be honest? It was the BEST news I've heard in months! I was like, "Yes yes yes yessss!!!!". But... I don't think he wants to jump into a new relationship right now. I wouldn't want that either... I mean, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a guy who just got out of a relationship, y'know. But... Screw that rule Nurul! Shouldn't he be an exception? I mean, you've waited so long. Do you really want to wait until someone else grabs him first and kills your opportunity AGAIN? Urgh. Please tell me love doesn't suck. 

Memori Oktober

1 October - Met Ally for the first time since our KL outing in March. We had dinner at Pasar Malam KK with our mutual friend, Azril. He gave me Bruce Springsteen and tie dye tshirts as well as a pair of Clarks Wallabee shoes (which are regretfully a bit too small for me). I gave him Morrissey's latest album, Years of Refusal. *happy*

2 October - Ally added me back on Facebook.

7 October - Met Ally again only to return his office keys that were unintentionally left in the bag of Wallabee shoes that he gave me. He was busy helping his friend so he couldn't hang out with me. Zzz...

10 October - Had the delicious Sembulan mee pangsit for the first time with my best buddy, No Joke. To my surprise, Ally came to accompany Azril for a bowl of mee pangsit too. Nice coincidence. Was it? :P

11 October - Had my second mee pangsit with No Joke, Ally and Azril. Exchanged some views with Azril on how Nirvana fans SHOULD be fans of Pearl Jam and Soundgarden as well. An opinion which I don't agree with. I mean, why stereotype, right?

13 October - Went to Borneo Festigrunge 2012 with Ally (and No Joke)! We had fun alright! I didn't want the day to end.

14 October - It was time to say goodbye. I wore the Bruce Springsteen tshirt to the airport. I look forward to the time when we'll meet again. Someday. :-(

denial, denial

I don't wanna be your friend

I just wanna be your lover

No matter how it ends

No matter how it starts

Forget about your house of cards

And I'll do mine

Forget about your house of cards

And I'll do mine

Fall off the table

Get swept under

Denial, denial

The infrastructure will collapse

From voltage spikes

Throw your keys in the bowl

Kiss your husband "good night"

 

Forget about your house of cards

And I'll do mine

Forget about your house of cards

And I'll do mine

Fall off the table

And get swept under

Denial, denial

Denial, denial

Your ears are burning

Denial, denial

Your ears should be burning

Denial, denial   

a n x i e t y

You're the reason why I'm still up at 3am,
But you're nowhere to be seen,
And even when you see me, you still don't see me,
You're the object of my sorrow, my anxiousness,
But what do you know, you couldn't care less,
And it's not fair, because I didn't want to care,
And when I do, you always, always walk away,
I'm sick of this guessing game,
Oh boy, why won't you just be a man,
And take away my pain.

Random Thought of the Day

Senang jak, kalau betul2 mo menghapuskan "budaya penjajah" di Malaysia ni, kena mula dari diri sendiri la dulu. Caranya? Stop listening to songs in other languages but your own mother tongue, stop going to concerts, stop going to gigs, stop going to bars, stop going to clubs, stop using the F-word or any other swear word, stop reading any English or other languages reading material, stop watching movies that use English language and are not local, stop using Facebook and other social networking sites, STOP SMOKING, stop bashing other races and religions, stop being hypocrites, go live in your own little shell and act like colonisation never occurred in Malaysian history. By the way, I'm Dusun+Sungai+Kedayan (except Kedayan, I can't understand any because I grew up without having the opportunity to learn them), so I'm allowed to use English or Malay or bahasa rojak whenever, wherever and with whoever as I please.

This Made My Day!

My intention to go to Times Square to terminate my Umobile broadband no later than 12pm today was hindered when I saw an unexpected comment on my FB wall timeline (that's what they call it nowadays) from an unexpected person this morning. It was ALONG, the frontman of the notoriously legendary, awesome, fabulous, excellent, brilliant rock n roll geniuses, ZIP ZIELLER!!!! Omaigodddd I was soooooo stoked that I ran like a mad woman who just lost her daughter to my room for no reason and ran back to the spot where I usually work with my old lappy. I was so excited!!! :D (hey, I have a crush on all of them okay, gimme a break! :P). From one comment to another and another and another until it reached a total of 49 comments :D. I really thought that it was never going to end because we went on and on and on and on about our current favourite songs and about Zip Zieller's latest EP, Bersih 0.1/5 as well as their progress. Of course, I didn't want it to end, but I was kinda glad that the conversation was finally over because I really had to go out anyway. (I guess I turned him off with my last question though. Stupid stupid stupid!) Hee, when I showed my overreacting enthusiasm, he said "hahahahaha....pape tah dohhh...aku orang gak ....pe cer ?" Oh Along, you may not realise this, but you are not JUST a human being to me (and I believe to thousands of other people as well). You're a GOD (READ: DEWA), a ROCK n ROLL GOD!!! I worship you guys!!!! :D As an avid fan/follower cum stalker of Zip Zieller, I really feel appreciated. It's like, it's worth it. I love them even more now.

I may not have gone to all of their shows/gigs, but I consider myself a die-hard fan because I have ALL their EPs and I have been loyal to them since 2008 and I will always be! I even suggested to a gig organiser in Ipoh once to invite Zip Zieller to play! And they DID get invited, and they DID play, and I DID go. I really really really regret not going to their recent gigs, because... Along told me that their last appearance as a band is going to be this end of year, where they will be doing their last show, besides selling their last complete CD as well as an LP. That means, I am never going to see them perform again after that!!!! EVER!!!

Huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa sedihnyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! :((

I'm gonna be there no matter what happens!!! I'll be there ZZ!!!! I PROMISE!!! Isk isk isk. I'm gonna toss aside my shyness and I'm gonna take photos with them, I'm gonna shake their hands, I'm gonna ask for their signatures, I don't care!! I WILL!! In short, this day will be one of the best days in my life (although it also came with the sad news), because I'm never gonna get over this. It made me smile all day today. :D I may be overreacting, but, who cares? Zip Zieller is like my Malaysian Rolling Stones y'know. To Along, you might not be aware of how much this means to me. You really did make my day. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. :) Oh ya, to those who are stalking reading this, if you are interested to buy Zip Zieller's latest EP, please contact Manager Kemat Hassan (lol) a.k.a Bard at +60122102814. Or you can just go to their Facebook page by clicking here (which means you still have to contact Bard in the end bahaha). I promise you, you won't regret it!

The Chronology of My Tragic Relationships

Rizal (2001 - 2007)
Story: I broke up with him for Nasik. I fell out of love with him long before. Maybe it wasn't even love. I was young. He was the nicest and kindest guy I've known in my life so far. A very obsessive possessive man though.

Nasik (2007 - 2010)
Story: He cheated on me his girlfriend with me for many years. I found it out on the day that I turned 25 years and 1 day old. I thought he was worth it. I thought he was really the one.

Ally (almost)
Story: We have so many things in common, which was part of the charm. But all we ever did was hurting each other's feelings. There were lots of miscommunication and misunderstanding. It was over before it even began. And then he fell in love with another girl. Pfft. We are currently trying to "save" the friendship though (after months of silence, mainly because, y'know, ah whatever). He's 3 years my junior.

Nasik AGAIN (mid-2011 - early 2012)
Story: Well, I guess you can guess what happened.

Current status: Enjoying the luxury of being single and not looking. At all.

THE END

My Ramadhan 2012

Today is the second day of Ramadhan 2012. Spent my 1st and 2nd Ramadhan in Faezah's hometown, Batu Pahat. Going back to Serdang tomorrow morning after dawn. Well, I did nothing much yesterday and today. Went to the market with Faezah and her mom, watched TV, napped, played The Sims Social, (solat fardhu in between), and just waiting for sungkai time. Such a waste huh. Well, apart from helping Faezah's mom to kopek ikan bilis, there's nothing I can really do anyway. Nevertheless, I hope this year's Ramadhan will be more meaningful to me, and I hope I can fulfill my responsibilities as a Muslimah better. InsyaAllah.