What's Eating Nurul Grape

A photo from What's Eating Gilbert Grape (it has nothing to do with this post)

Dear Pitty,

Actually, there is something else that I want to write about tonight. Something that's been really bothering me. It's about my friend, my dear dear friend W. Y'know, he's the kind of friend that I rarely see, but we care about each other. I've known him since my first year in UPM, since when he was still unmarried, but we have lost contact for years and recently found each other on Facebook. So, it's needless to say that we are not that close. We keep in touch through Facebook. We talk about normal and some personal stuff. Now, the thing that is bothering me began last week. Okay, before I continue, let me make it clear that I'm writing this not to humiliate anybody, let alone hurt my friend's feelings, but because this is my diary and I write about what's happening in my life and I have the right to write whatever that I want to write and I am totally responsible for it, don't worry, and I believe that every blogger shares my view in this. And need I remind you that my blog is all about honesty?

So, okay, I was saying, this bothering began when he started calling me at odd hours, in the middle of the night, when I was asleep. It went on for three nights in a row and he stopped when I asked him to call me during normal hours if he needs to talk to me. (My bad).  Then, he started calling me every. single. day. But I never answered it. Because he has the tendency to call at the wrong time. (READ: When I'm sleeping, when I'm praying, when my phone is silent, when my phone is not with me, when I'm rushing with my work or doing something else, or when I simply refuse to pick up the phone). I don't know if what I'm doing is right, avoiding him and all, but I don't feel comfortable talking to someone else's husband on the phone in the middle of the night! Or any time of the day! I don't know. I think if he didn't make those first three phone calls maybe I wouldn't feel so bothered.

This thing gives me two different kinds of feelings. One, it makes me angry, two, it makes me feel guilty. Angry because I feel like he doesn't respect my personal time, because I feel that he's being clingy and desperate for attention. Guilty because I feel like I'm being a very very very bad friend. I mean, I am avoiding my friend who is really in need right now. How could I do this to him? I don't know... I don't know what is wrong with me! I understand his need for a friend right now. For a company. For someone to talk to. For a listener. For a confidante. I feel him. Because I know how it feels like to feel like you're all alone in this world with no one to really understand or care. Believe me, I know. But... When he keeps calling me like that it's actually pushing me away even further. It's suffocating! What's wrong with just PMing me on Facebook? Like we used to before? I have never ignored his Facebook messages! Not even once! (until yesterday). So what's wrong with just that? Why does he need more? Why must he need more? I can't give him more. I am sorry. I can't. I'm not sure if I am being a bad friend or a good friend right now. Tell me Pitty. Tell me, how would a woman feel if she found out that her husband has been calling his female friend in the middle of the night? Even if it doesn't mean anything of that sort (y'know what sort), it would still hurt her right? Because I would! I am a woman, I know! And I will never really do anything to hurt another woman. Yeah, I know I've done something not so nice before (y'know who I am referring to don't you Pitty?), but I'm not going to betray someone of my own gender. I'm done with the betrayal. It's against my principle as a woman. Just because she did it to him first, it doesn't mean he can do the same thing WITH me to get back at her! Even if it was not his intention, but it still violates MY principle. Call me a sexist, I don't care. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings anymore. Maybe I already hurt his feelings, but what about how I feel?

If you are reading this W, please forgive me for not having the courage to "face" you and tell you what's wrong. I am really really sorry for being such a bad friend to you. I know you don't deserve this. I know you are in need of a friend right now. I know that if it was me, you would never do this to me. But please, can we go back to the usual? Maybe I am just overreacting or being absolutely ridiculous and unfair and selfish, but I can't talk to you on the phone. At least not for now. Because it doesn't feel right for me, so please, just stop. I hope you can respect that. I'm so sorry...

Yours,
Nurul