Just a Short Note on a Sunday Morning

Assalammualaikum, good morning. I'm sorry I didn't blog yesterday. I was busy with the Google Analytics Course thingy after returning home from the wedding reception. There was nothing interesting to write about anyway. There is nothing interesting to write about. My life is just the same every, single, day. I don't need a reminder of it. It makes me not want to get up and do anything. I feel so numb right now. Like nothing is worth it. It's not that I'm not grateful. I am. But. There is always a but.

I'm sorry.

A Summary of My Day

Ugh okay, I know it's almost 1 am now, so it's technically the 28th of January. Meaning I missed one day of my so-called daily blogging target. Sigh. It's okay. I'll make it up with double posts for every day that I miss. Cool. I can do that. 😓 Lol.

So today, I took my cats Gapil and Zazu to the vet because Zazu has been having a lil trouble with peeing, which I remembered noticing to start since last week, whereas Gapil needed to get his vaccination to prepare him for his long-overdue neutering. It's scheduled next Wednesday, which is perfect because it's gonna be a day off for meee yay! This is because it's a Federal Territory Day on that day (1st of February), and because I follow KL holidays, sooo iolls cuti laaaa hehe. I've been meaning to get them both neutered for the longest time, but I only had the opportunity to bring both of them to the vet today. It wasn't Gapil's 1st time being at the vet though coz he also had the same problem before where he had to be warded for nearly a week for his treatment. I'll bring Zazu for neutering once his urinary problem gets better. He was prescribed with 4 kinds of medicines, so he needs to finish them or at least gets better first before I can bring him to the vet for neutering. I think he's already getting better because um, he was able to pee again earlier, alhamdulillah. Habis merata dia kencing tadi. 😒 But it's alright, because it means that the medicines are working. As for Gapil, he was prescribed with "Kena start jaga makan suda. Kurangkan makan ayam, sekali seminggu jak" and "bawa dia main setiap hari". 😅

After sending the cats back home, my husband and I went to Daily Coffee at Aeropod, a quite new Instagram-worthy hip cafe in Kota Kinabalu (if I'm not mistaken it is actually based in Penang). It was our 2nd visit. This time I ordered their Peach Fruit Blended and S'more Chocolate Waffle, while my husband had Hot Chocolate and Crispy Chicken Fried Rice. Despite being served with 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream, the waffle was meh, it was too hard for my liking and definitely not as I expected. I will not order it again in the future for sure. The Peach Fruit Blended was good although I prefer the mango one (I wanted to have the Mango Fruit Blended but they were out of mangoes so I opted for peach). My husband's Crispy Chicken Fried Rice was okay according to my tastebuds but my husband was not impressed. He said the fried rice from the restaurant near our house tastes better but I think it wasn't too bad.

During our 1st visit, my husband ordered Grilled Chicken Burger, which was good. I wanted to try their Egg Benedict but it was sold out at the time. Next time aku mau try itu sama dorang punya Mac & Cheese sebab kawan aku cakap Mac & Cheese dorang sedap (nah tiba-tiba BM plak hahaha). Please excuse my bahasa rojak. Sama kenapa tiba-tiba macam jadi food review ni? Hahaha. I also ordered their Salmon Rolls to go (I did too last time hehe coz I love salmon pastries. Yum!) Yang bestnya Daily Coffee ni, they have a buy-1-free-1 promotion for all pastries every day after 6 pm (members only). Their other member benefits that I can recall include free sliced cake during birthday month and buy-1-free-1 for cakes every Thursday. So best jugak laa.. RM10 jak ka kalau nda silap the membership fee (not sure if it's lifetime or annual though, I forgot).

Eeee pukul 2 pulak suda ui. Bah kasi habis la ni. Ahaha. Kira mau sambung itu Google Analytics Course but I need to sleep coz tomorrow at 10 am my husband is taking me to a wedding reception. But before that, nah iolls belanja gambar dulu. 😝 Some of these were taken during our 1st visit. I sort it randomly jak. Can you guess which ones are from the 1st visit and which ones from the 2nd? Hehe. Let me know in the comments! (cakap macam la ada ramai followers kau hahaha).

Okay laa.. Let's call it a night. Until next blog post! Take care~

Honestly, this waffle doesn't really look appetizing, does it?

My First Blog Post After EXACTLY Six Long Years

Whoa. I did not realise that my last blog entry was posted on the exact same date, same day, 6 years ago. That gives me goosebumps. *still in disbelief of the uncanny coincidence which is almost creepy*

Okay. The reason for this blog post is because I saw a tweet by someone I've been following for a while on Twitter (actually I've been following her since the Myspace era) that she has started blogging again a couple of days ago, and planning on doing so every single day moving forward. That's what prompted me to log in to this space of mine and do a little housekeeping (although I'm too lazy to change how my older blog posts look like so the photos might look distorted or disorganised and the fonts won't look like my newer posts), which brought me to this moment where I am sitting on my work chair, in the living room of the place that my husband and I now call home. Alhamdulillah.

For the sake of a little update, I have been married (happily, alhamdulillah) to my husband for nearly 4 years now. Our anniversary will be on June 8. No, we have yet to have any child, but have been blessed with Gapil and Zazu (the only 2 cats that we are able to keep). We used to have more cats but due to certain circumstances, we had to send them away to a cat shelter. I wish we didn't have to. I wish we could keep them all. I still cry in my heart whenever I think of them. As if that would make it any better. I'm so sorry kitties... :(

I don't know where this blog post is going but actually, I should really be doing something else. Ugh. Yes. The Google Data Analytics Course, which I have to complete by January 31, 2023, which is NEXT TUESDAY. ARGGGHHH... We (my 3 other colleagues and I) have been given several extensions to complete the course (which by the way has EIGHT sub-courses) and I am still stuck at Course 5. So I really better be doing that instead of this. So, this is where this blog post will abruptly end. Until tomorrow. Insya-Allah.

Of Love and Sorrow

I realised now that every time I open this blog and start writing, it means that something has saddened me. Yes, I realised now that I tend to write when I'm sad, which means that sadness inspires me more rather than happiness. It's easier to jot down my feelings when I'm sad. It kind of gives me an excuse to speak what is really going on in my head and in my heart. And I love that feeling. Apparently, I love feeling sad. Sadness stimulates my mind, it makes me more alert, attentive, watchful. It keeps me conscious, focused. It gives me time to reflect. It gives me life.

Why am I sad? Or rather, why does being in a relationship make me feel sad instead of joy? If I love being sad so much, why am I hearing this voice in my heart saying that this isn't right? This isn't what I want? Why is it constantly telling me to get out of this non-existent relationship? To make me happy? Now, isn't that ironic?

I am not the person I was 7 or 8 years ago. I can never be that person anymore. I mean, in terms of loving someone. I don't think I will ever be able to love someone the way I used to. The way I could in my previous relationship. I think, when I lost that relationship, I somehow lost that person I was. Of course I can never be her again. She was naive. Trusting. And foolish. I am not all that anymore. Maybe I am still a fool, but I am certainly not  naive. The problem is, it makes it hard for me to keep my faith in that thing we love to call love.

What is love? To tell the truth, I don't know. I honestly have no idea. I love AE, but actually I'm not sure if he's right for me. I know he loves me. I know he does. But there are so many things about him that disenchanted me. I'm sorry that I'm saying this, but it's true. I tried to accept him the way he is, I tried to turn a blind eye, I tried to tell myself that it's okay, no one's perfect, and it's not perfection that I am after, not at all. But I cannot lie to myself any longer. And it's not okay. It's not that he's not a kind person, he is. In fact, he is one of the kindest persons I've ever met. He cares about his family so much. And those are some of the qualities I am looking for in a partner. But I don't know why, it doesn't feel right. Something is missing somewhere and I can't quite explain it.

I've been treating him so poorly. I've been acting like a jerk. Not answering his phone calls, not texting him back, picking a fight. I feel like breaking up, but at the same time I don't want to. Because... Because it would break my heart... and it would make me sad... now, this is really ironic, isn't it? And I know I sound like a selfish prick. Only thinking of myself. But if I were to justify it, I am saving him from a broken heart too, am I not?

- Written on Saturday, November 12, 2016 -

Part 3: 10 Random Questions

1. Do you like to dance?

Hmmm I have to say no. I do love the song I'd Rather Dance With You by Kings of Convenience though. I love watching people dance.

2. Would you ever consider living abroad?

Yeah, why not. But not alone of course.

3. Does your name make any interesting anagrams?
Are these considered interesting? Ruin, run, ran, hurl, hail, haul, annul, annual, urn, inn.

4. Who made the last incoming call on your phone?
My boyfriend. :)

5. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
My QCed weekly report for U.O.B yesterday. Boringggg I know.

6. Last time you swam in a pool?
Ages ago. I can't even remember.

7. Type of music you like most?
Rock N Roll!

8. Type of music you dislike most?
Dance music. I mean the electronic, clubbing, DJed type.

9. Are you listening to music right now?
Yes, I am. The song playing right now is Musician, Please Take Heed from the God Help the Girl soundtrack.

10. What colour is your bedroom carpet?
I don't have any in my bedroom.

F R A C T U R E

What happens when a fragile being collides with another fragile being?

They will smash into pieces.

Part 2: 10 Random Questions

1. When did you last laugh?
Some time last week I guess.

2. Do you remember why/at what?
Most likely at his silly jokes.

3. What are on the walls of the room you are in?
A caricature of Yusuff, a whiteboard with Yusuff's drawings, a whiteboard eraser, magnetic tacks, and an electricity bill on it, a mirror, and a mounted bookshelf.

4. Seen anything weird lately?
No.

5. What do you think of this quiz?
Clearly the creator of this quiz was bored of life more than me.

6. What is the last film you saw?
Victor Frankenstein.

7. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
Somewhere beautiful and tax-free.

8. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
I will buy you a garden, where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car, perfect shiny and new
I will buy you that big house, way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life

9. Tell me something about you that most people don't know.
I have a towel I use to clean my nose (READ: boogers) every day. Hahaha.

10. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I would eradicate CIGARETTES, DRUGS, and PORN.

Between Sense and Madness

True! - nervous - very, very dreadfully nervous I had been 

and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease 

had sharpened my senses - not destroyed - not dulled them. 

Above all was the sense of hearing acute. I heard 

all things in the heaven and the earth. I heard many 

things in hell. How then am I mad?

The Tell-Tale Heart

EDGAR ALLAN POE

We've been together for 8 months, give and take. And even after all the reassuring, the convincing, the consoling, I still let myself be betrayed by my insecurities every now and then. It's like a loaded gun, waiting, anticipating, for its trigger to be pulled. I don't know why is it so easy for me to keep losing my confidence. It seems I am unable to accept or believe that I can be loved, wholeheartedly, by a kind and honest man, like him. I always feel like I don't deserve his love or that he deserves someone who can love him better, someone who is superior to me in every way; attractiveness, talents, intelligence. I always feel threatened by his female friends. Be it his best friend, his Facebook friends, his colleagues, even his female celebrity crushes. Sometimes it makes me feel like I have an issue that needs to be addressed, that needs to be treated even? I don't know. I love him, yes, I do. But this constant feeling of uncertainty, of vacillation, is killing me. I noticed that it was almost always too easy for me to say things like "Maybe we should break up," or "Maybe this isn't right," just because of my jealousy, my resentment towards other women who are and were close to him. It's killing me. It's eating me up. Sometimes I cannot wait for him to be mine, sometimes I just cannot stand to be with him. Sometimes I just want to be left alone, but at the same time I cannot stand the thought of him not wanting to be with me anymore. Am I crazy? Am I mad?

Part 1: 10 Random Questions

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.

'If I die,' said Wellington, 'please don't let me be found with my naked behind sticking up to the sky.' - A Song From Dead Lips by William Shaw. (-_-")

Image Source: Goodreads

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, what can you touch?

My SpongeBob Squarepants towel that I hung under Faezah's mounted bookshelf.

3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing?

Working.

4. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

Mistresses.

5. Without looking, guess what time it is.
3.30 PM

6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
3.30 PM (shocking!!!)

7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The sound of the standing fan.

8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Earlier. I was buying lunch.

9. Did you dream last night?
I cannot remember.

10. Do you remember your dreams?
Most of the time I do.

Uncertainty

After so long, I finally feel like I have a purpose in my life. However, I'm not sure if it makes me happy. I am unhappy. I'm always crying. I'm always hurting. If love is so great, then why does it hurt so much? Something in me is like telling me that this is not right. That it should not go on. I don't know. I don't know what I'm looking for. And for the first time in my life after so long, I'm lost. Again.