R.I.P (January 2011-March 2011)

I’m unlovable. I am unlovable. Why? Let me tell you a story. Not a love story, but a story about my f****d up love situation. Oh yes, love is a situation. A situation that leads to either misery or a happy ending. But in most cases, love always ends in tragedy, love always brings misery, because most of us are not exceptions. We are the rule. Only exceptions win in the end.

It all started with one message. On Facebook. It was in January. I invited him for a hangout. Oh, if I knew it would lead to this, I would never have sent him that message. We met for the first time on 21^st January 2011. Oh, yes I still remember. He wore a Joy Division t-shirt and I wore an ACDC t-shirt. We were such a perfect match, I never realised that before. I still remember the way he looked. He was so cute and adorable. We exchanged songs and movies. It was a memorable day. I tried to prove that it was not a date by eating a McDonald’s Chicken Prosperity Burger. And I ate like a pig. I talked way too much, which was very unlike me. Because I never start a conversation when I’m with someone I’ve just known or rarely know. I never knew I would be attracted to a guy who is so much younger than me. I still remember the way he looked at me and then looked away immediately when I caught him looking at me. His eyes. Now I know I will never have the chance to look at those beautiful eyes up close. I will never have the chance to have that dance with him. The dance that he promised… I had the chance, but I blew it with just one word. The F word. Oh, how stupid I can be. I should’ve learned my lesson. I forgot. It just slipped out. It was a mistake that can never be undone. And now I’m paying the price for being so reckless with my choice of words with a broken heart. I still remember how he sang for me for the first time that night. It was The Smiths’ Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want. I fell for him right away. Instantly. Without any further due.

The second time we met was the following day. 22^nd January 2011. He wore a Morrissey t-shirt. “OMG he is so cool!” I screamed in my heart. He’s like a dream came true to me. He has everything, EVERYTHING that I’m looking for in a guy. He’s cute, he listens to all the good bands, he’s smart, sensitive and an emo just like me. We ate Takoyaki. It was a first for him. I still remember everything. I still remember how he blushed when our eyes accidentally met and we looked away. It was raining cats and dogs that night. It was so funny and so embarrassing. I had to ask his friends (two brothers), one of them is a mutual friend, to send me home as there was no bus going to my place left. He lent me his Adidas sweater, which I believe was just an excuse for him to see me again. Haha perasan! *sighs*

On 26^th January 2011, the day before I left KK for KL again, we had our third, and now I know was the last, meeting. No. It was a date. Yeah. It was a date. We watched a movie. We had a long talk in front of the former Anjung Senja site. We talked and talked and talked and talked. I didn’t want it to end. I was so comfortable around him. I couldn’t stop talking, which was so unlike me. The next day was painful. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay and spend some more days with him. There was nobody to send me to the airport as it was a work day. I cried all the way during the flight. I didn’t cry like that on the day that I left KL on 5^th January 2011. My final day with Mohd Haszuan Ahmad Nazri, the man who broke my heart to pieces.

The entire month of February, we kept in touch through SMS, MMS, phone calls and of course, Facebook. Despite the fact that he’s three years younger than me, he actually gets me. He gets me. And I get him. We speak the same language. We listen to the same music. We watch the same movies. We wear the same clothes. Our hearts were made of the same substance. We clicked right away. And the most important thing was, he was attracted to me just as much as I was attracted to him. We could’ve been perfect together. But look at what I’ve done… I ruined everything.

March came. And he’s gone. And now I know, he’s too good to be true. I should’ve seen this coming. This is too painful. Too hurtful. Too great to bear. I just recovered from a major heartbreak and now I have to go through the same thing all over again. God, please give me strength.

“I am the Resurrection – The Stone Roses” was his last text message for me. I know. There will be no more messages after this. There will be no more phone calls from him. There will be no more singing. There will be no more FB wall spams. There will be no more Trent... I was too careless. Too reckless. I was the one who ended what we had, what we could have, what we should have. In the end, I have nobody else to blame but myself. Now, he just couldn’t care less about me. He doesn’t care. He will never again. No mercy. I hurt him. And he did warn me about this beforehand. He did. I didn’t listen. No, it wasn’t that. I just forgot. Because… because he hurt me too… He told me that it makes him weak to see a girl who looks just like his ex-girlfriend…. Imagine how I felt….? His words were like a dagger to my heart. Maybe I was over-reacting… but…. I couldn’t help it… I was so frustrated…. I waited for him for days…. He had some problems and completely shut me out… He didn’t want to tell me what’s wrong…. Luckily he is a blogger… So I found out from his blog… and I kept waiting for him to call or text me… He did tell me about his problems in the end…. and I appreciated it…. At least he did try to open up to me… But he was still acting cold towards me…. I said to him, “Thanks for hurting me like that. Next time, don’t go around telling a girl that you like her if you still can’t get over your ex-gf.” Then no reply. I lost control. I let anger defeat me. And foolishly, I let it all out on my Facebook wall. No mercy. We ignored each other for one whole day. And then he texted me. He said sorry….. But as stubborn and stupid as I was, I said to him that love is just a miserable lie. “Love is just a situation” was his reply. And I said those 12 words, which I wish I could take back, “Yeah. A fucked up situation that brings nothing but misery and tears.” And now, it’s over. No mercy. No forgiveness. It’s over, over, over.

Curtis was right… Love will tear us apart… AA once said to me that we must never be apart… And see how chaos rules when we’re apart…? Ah… I knew it was never gonna last anyway… I knew, sooner or later, it’s going to end… In this case, better sooner than later, right? What will happen, will happen. There’s nothing to stop it… But keep in mind Nurul… that rain will stop in the end… Somehow, I still need something to hold on to, something to believe in. Although I have lost my faith in love, I’m going to put my faith in that. That rain will stop in the end. And rainbow will show itself again. A wise friend told me to be patient. So, yeah. That’s exactly what I’m going to do. Be patient. Patience is part of faith, anyway. So be patient Nurul. Keep the faith. Keep the faith. Goodbye Trent… Goodbye AA… It was really nice knowing you…