Throwback Thursday: It's Been a Year!

Pejam celik, pejam celik, semalam sudah genap setahun aku memakai tudung. Alhamdulillah... :) Rasa macam baru beberapa bulan lepas jak benda tu berlaku. Cepatnya masa berlalu. Aku masih ingat lagi hari bersejarah tu. 7 Mei 2013, hari Selasa. Hari itu aku mau keluar ke Bank Islam, KL Sentral. Aku tertanya-tanya dalam hati, "Camana ni, mo pakai tudung ka tidak ni ah?" Tapi sebenarnya memang hati aku sudah rasa membuak-buak mau pakai tudung beberapa hari sebelum itu. Aku ingat lagi, malam 6 Mei 2013 tu aku baru balik dari Batu Pahat dengan Faezah & Baen (aku ikut dorang balik Batu Pahat sebab Faezah balik mengundi. Aku ngan Baen nda mengundi hehehe). Sepanjang perjalanan balik dari Batu Pahat tu, kepala aku asyik fikir jak camana aku mo pakai tudung nanti. I was planning how I should wear my tudung & clothes. "Pashmina, t-shirt, long-sleeved shirt, long skirt and my shoes. Okey, perfect!", I said in my head. Hehehe. Selama beberapa hari tu, I felt numb (in a good way) and excited at the same time. But I never voiced it out to anyone. Not even Faezah. Sebenarnya, aku nda plan pun bila mau mula pakai tudung. It just happened. I grabbed my only shawl that I had at the time, my Unknown Pleasures t-shirt, a long-sleeved denim shirt and a long denim skirt (also the only long skirt that I had at the time), and walah! I was ready to go out! I felt lucky that no one was at home at that time, because my housemates would've said stuff (nice stuff) that would make me blush, shy and feel awkward. Masa tunggu bas tu, aku call Faezah. And I told her. She was shocked but was happy for me. Ahahaha. Ya lah, baru semalam balik dari Batu Pahat ngan dia, tiba-tiba besoknya aku pakai tudung. Siapa yg nda terkejut? Hehehe. Masa aku bagitau dia tu, tiba-tiba aku rasa sebak, mau menangis, I tried to hold it so Faezah wouldn't notice, but she noticed anyway. Masa tu Faezah dalam kereta ngan Baen otw ke klinik mau cek Yusuff yg masih dalam perut. Hee... It's not an exaggeration to say that it was one of the happiest days of my life. One of my proudest moments in a very, very long time. I felt courageous, strong and so lighthearted, praise be to Allah. :)

I don't know why it took me a few days to tell mama about it though. Or maybe I knew exactly why. Mungkin aku mau kasi surprise mama masa aku balik KK bah tu. Mesti dia terkejut bila tengok aku tiba-tiba pakai tudung kan? But.... I couldn't help it. I broke the news to her anyway. Her reply was, "Amin....." It sounded like, one of her prayers was finally answered by Allah, syukur alhamdulillah... :) The 2nd person to know about my then new image was Siti. She accompanied me to shop for some new tudung and skirts at Jalan TAR after work, then we had dinner together at KL Sentral. :) Balik rumah tu, aku rasa agak nervous untuk masuk rumah. Hehehe. Segannya sebab baru semalam balik dari Batu Pahat, masih free-haired. Their reactions were as expected, shocked but happy and excited for me. :) Pastu apa lagi, masuk bilik & try tudung2 yg baru aku beli tu lah. Ahahaha. Seronoknya time tu. I couldn't wait to go home to see my mom, to show her her daughter's new and improved self. Alhamdulillah, sejak hari itu sampai ke saat ini, tiada rasa menyesal atau keinginan mau buka tudung balik walau sekali pun. For the first time in my life I genuinely felt beautiful. And for the first time I felt like I could really love myself. Rasa macam akhirnya aku bebas. Bebas! Bebas dari idea konformis duniawi yg percaya bahawa kecantikan itu letaknya pada fizikal (yg ditunjukkan) semata-mata.

Iya, aku akui. Dulu setiap kali pakai tudung ke sekolah atau bila mama atau siapa2 lah suruh pakai tudung, aku rasa terkongkong, rasa hodoh. Bila habis jak waktu sekolah, terus cepat2 tanggalkan tudung. Macam nda sabar2 mau tunjukkan rambut aku pada dunia. Macamlah cantik sangat. Zzzz... At that time I thought it was an act of rebelliousness. Now when I think back on it, it was merely an act of stupidity. What was I thinking? Who was I kidding? It wasn't my mom or my ustazah that I was defying, it was Allah. Gila. Kalau Tuhan cabut nyawa aku right then and there, ndakah menyesal dalam kubur aku sekarang ni. Syukur alhamdulillah, Tuhan bagi aku peluang untuk berubah. Dan masih lagi bagi peluang sampai sekarang untuk perbaiki diri aku yg masih banyak cacat cela ni (bukan fizikal ok!). Oklah, sebelum lebih panjang aku melalut-lalut, lebih baik aku hentikan post aku malam ni di sini. Unplanned writing. Memang beginilah jadinya. Pendahuluan entah ke mana, isi entah ke mana, penutup entah ke mana. Ahahahaha. Hey, ini blog post, bukan essay Nurul! Suka hati lah. Hahahaha. Ok ok, selamat malam!